Stages of Grief:
According to Kubler Ross Grief Cycle there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Acceptance. As of July 2020, My Dad has made heaven his new home 6 years, 5 months, and 17 days ago. Kubler wasn’t lying when he named grief a “cycle”. Think of a Ferris wheel…huge, center of attraction, slow, non-amusing if no one is on the ride with you, never ending until you get off. That’s what grief is like…round and round and round. Sometimes in order, other times not so much.
Denial
1. When I got the call that my Dad passed my heart dropped…denial immediately kicked in. So much so I went back to sleep. I was home alone…all my immediate family was 500+ miles away and my friends were working 1st shift. I was working third shift at the time, so it wasn’t odd for me to be sleep. I didn’t want to believe what I have feared and, in some cases, mentally prepared for actually happened. He’s gone…NAH. Denial was disguised as peace initially…weird I know. Once my folks were able to come see about me, they greeted me with tears, and overall despair. I was consoling them, and it was my Dad that died. I had it bad.
2. Other times I experience denial is when I randomly want to call My Dad as I normally would. It just feels like I haven’t talked to him in a while. Dad use to call me “The Boss”. I didn’t play about my him. I wanted to know where he was at, what he was doing, and if he could bring me a ginger ale home lol.
Anger
1. Listen…I was mad as hell. Its MY Daddy we are talking about. My very best friend. My first love. I don’t recall any lashing out experiences. My husband and close friends may beg to differ but yea…I was just mad for a long time. One thought, smell, commercial, anything that reminded me of him I'd bust out crying. I knew he was in a better place and he was in no more pain, but I still wanted him here with me. Selfish? Possibly. 48 years old is too young to die. Daddy had so many goals and dreams. I’ve seen the business plans; I’ve written contracts and made flyers for each one. He wanted an auto body studio and a restaurant. “Hip Hop Sandwich Shop” to be exact. I always laughed when he said it, it sounded funny. He wanted to create a sandwich or entree after famous hip-hop artist. Daddy could cook COOK too. Yes Sir, Yes Ma'am! He tried to rap and sing for fun but yea that was in house only lol.
2. It made me angry that my Grandma had to lose another child. My Uncle Toot passed away October 22, 2012 and here she was preparing to bury my Dad on February 10, 2014. My heart broke for her every time I thought about it. Grandma is my whole heart. 2 out of 3 of her children are gone. As hard as it is for me I still can not imagine how she feels...
Depression
1. According to the American Psychiatric Association “Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.
Depression symptoms can vary from mild to severe and can include:
Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
Loss of energy or increased fatigue
Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., hand-wringing or pacing) or slowed movements and speech (actions observable by others)
Feeling worthless or guilty
Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
Thoughts of death or suicide”
2. At one point in life I was commuting about 30 minutes each way for work, Durham to Raleigh, Raleigh to Durham. I would take the same highways everyday (40 East & 540). There is a curved ramp you must take when merging onto 540. I can remember on some of my darkest days contemplating driving right off the ramp. Sad to say but I had those thoughts more than I’d like to admit. Depression weighed me down until I finally had a breakdown. I began researching and implementing HEALTHY coping skills. I realized it wasn't the cure because there is none for grief but it helped get me through those moments. My husband did too…I also joined a local grief support group.
“ If you or a loved one are struggling with depression, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for information on support and treatment facilities in your area. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.”
Bargaining
1. I prayed, prayed again, & prayed some more. Went in the prayer line in church numerous times for my Dads total healing. I told God I would do and be numerous things if he would just heal my Daddy. I had no idea I was grieving before my Dad even passed away. I just hated to see him suffer. 20+ hospital visits in less than a year, etc. (See Forever Daddy’s Girl post for full details).
Acceptance
1. I made peace with having to choose peace of mind daily. This is not to say I didn’t dip back into the other stages it just wasn’t often like Year 1-4 of my grief journey. Definitely no more thoughts of driving off a ramp into the sunset, literally.
2. This stage birthed my passion for grief support and just being there for other Daddy’s girls. The blog is a result of my acceptance of grief.
As I like to share with my Forever Daddy’s Girl Family; allow yourself to experience the emotions associated with each stage of grief. There is no way over, around or under it. The moment I realized that life was more manageable. I became intentional to FEEL. HEAL. LIVE. Choosing peace was as simple as declaring today is going to be a great day. Darkness will not overtake me. I learned to use healthy coping skills as needed. As stated previously they are not a “cure” by any means. But when they work, it works. When it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Its apart of the grief cycle.
Making the choice to share this wasn't easy but I hope it helps you or someone you know. I will be talking about how to be there for someone who is grieving soon. Many just do not know how to and that's why I'm here to help. We have heard the saying many times "After the funeral no one is anywhere to be found"...
"Ion like dat" - Yung Miami
Love & Light always,
Alicia G.
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